


Promise to the Dead

by Dexterous_Sinistrous



Series: A Soldier's Fight [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Colonist (Mass Effect), Depression, Gen, Original Character(s), Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Survivor Guilt, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-05-16
Packaged: 2018-01-25 00:36:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1622630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dexterous_Sinistrous/pseuds/Dexterous_Sinistrous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>River Alexandria Shepard has never thought of her life as worthy of sacrifice. From her parents' sacrifice on Mindoir to Commander Ryan's sacrifice on Akuze, Shepard has struggled with being the survivor. Responding to radio silence from the pioneer group on Akuze brings back memories of Shepard's loss on Mindoir. Shepard struggles with surviving, determined to keep a promise made to the dead: "I will earn this."</p><p>[Covering Shepard's experiences on both Akuze and Mindoir.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Promise to the Dead

**Author's Note:**

> Commander Elijah Ryan is my Original Character created for the backstory (Colonist/Sole-Survivor) of my Shepard (River Alexandria Shepard). He was her mentor and the type of commander she strives to be. Please don't steal :)

Shepard allowed her head to bob from side to side as the shuttle experienced minor turbulence. She never enjoyed flying, especially around the edge of Alliance space.

“All contact with the pioneer team was lost around 0300 hours,” Ryan began his debriefing as he moved from the front of the shuttle to the back. “The Alliance wants this sorted out as quickly as possible. It’s likely the team forgot how to use their comms.”

Rodriguez scoffed slightly at the comment. “I don’t understand why we need to respond for this.”

“Because we’re marines, Lieutenant. We fight to good fight. And if that means helping civilians with their comms, we do it without complaining,” Ryan moved past Shepard, looking at her briefly before heading to the shuttle door. The shuttle door opened, the shuttle’s engines kicking up a small windstorm that caused Shepard to narrow her eyes in an attempt to shield them. “Alright marines, move out!”

One by one, the entire squad deployed from the shuttle, all heading to the outskirt of the landing zone to join the rest of the unit. Jones patted Shepard on the back, motioning her to move forward. Nodding, Shepard jumped out of the shuttle, jogging over to the entire group.

“River,” Shepard turned at the use of her first name. She stopped moving when she saw Ryan jogging towards her.

“Commander,” Shepard responded, curious why he had used her first name.

“I wanted to check in. Make sure you’re alright,” Ryan gave her a concerned look, as if she had written a neon sign advertising her nerves.

“I’m fine, Commander,” Shepard confirmed, reassuring herself.

“I know it’s your first mission out of the N7 program, but you’ll be fine. Stick on me, and you’ll learn the ropes quick enough,” Ryan patted Shepard on her shoulder. Shepard nodded in response before running over to join the others.

“Listen up!” Ryan announced as he stood in front of the marines. “We will move up from the landing zone into the midst of the pioneer settlement. Keep a look out for anything out of the ordinary. Let’s move out!”

The unit began their march forward, moving at a tolerable speed. Shepard looked around her, seeing the faces of other N7 graduates, mostly belonging to the soldier class. Shepard felt thrown off by the softness of the ground, looking down as her combat boots made deep markings in the dirt. _The ground seems disturbed…_ Shepard looked up towards the sky and faintly smiled to herself. Many of the constellations were ones she grew up naming with her father on those summer nights on Mindoir. Shepard shook her head to erase the flashbacks that came rushing back.

The rest of the unit began to fan out in all directions to cover more ground. Shepard did as Ryan instructed and stayed close to his side. Within a short amount of time the unit reached the pioneer settlement, but there was something unusual about it. There were no signs of life.

“Shepard,” Ryan called her name, motioning her to fan out to his left before signaling her to ready her weapon. Shepard drew her pistol and readied her biotics. Shepard moved to his left, cautiously heading through the side building. Papers were scattered among the tables, bunk beds contained sheets strewed everywhere. There was a coffee cup sitting on one of the near tables. Shepard reached out her hand slowly, pressing the back of her hand to the glass of the mug. _Cold. Whatever happened happened unexpectedly_.

Shepard began to turn towards the door when a small doll caught her eye. Shepard became trance-fixed on it, holstering her weapon before kneeling next to it. She effortlessly picked up the doll, running her fingertips over its face.

_The candles on the birthday cake burned brightly before they were blown out, smoke billowing up from them. People clapped in response as her father handed her a wrapped box._

_“I hope you like it, sweetie.” River tore at the wrapping paper, opening the box with ease._

_“Is it really?” River asked as she moved the tissue paper away to reveal a porcelain doll. “Oh, thank you, Daddy!” River hopped down from her chair to run over to her father, embracing him tightly. “She’s perfect!”_

_“Troy …” River’s mother said in a minor tone of disapproval, though a smile couldn’t keep itself from forming on her face._

_“It wasn’t much,” River’s father replied._

“Lieutenant,” Shepard stood up straight, holding the doll in her hand when she turned to look at Ryan. “Never holster your gun until the area is secured. Do you understand me?” The sternness in Ryan’s voice countered the concern from earlier.

“S-sorry,” Shepard shook her head in an attempt to stop the memories. Her fingers loosened on the doll, hesitating on letting it go. She looked down at the doll before gently storing it in her back supply pocket. For some untold reason, Shepard felt that there was a little girl out there she needed to find. Un-holstering her weapon, Shepard followed Ryan back out of the building.

Other marines had reached their position when Ryan finally lowered his weapon. “Area has been secured,” Ryan spoke into his omni-tool in order to relay a message back to the ship.

“What the hell do we do now?” Rodriguez questioned.

“Something happened, and we need to find out what it was,” Ryan began typing on his omni-tool. “We’ll make camp on the outskirts of the settlement. We’ll wait a few hours for sunlight and then we’ll dig deeper.” Shepard barely noticed the uncontrolled light of a sun burning in the distance. On earth, Shepard had come accustomed to days that lasted twenty-four hours. On some other planets though, days consisted of only a few hours.

Shepard followed the rest of her unit back to what would become a makeshift camp. She reached back into her supply pocket, producing the doll. Turning the doll over to inspect, Jones replied loudly, “I didn’t know you played with dolls, Shepard.” Other members murmured, some snickered, and other looked on. Being a female Alliance officer was tough enough, but being a female N7 marine vanguard was a rare possibility.

“I was actually thinking it suited you, Jones,” Shepard snidely remarked.

“Knock it off,” Ryan called back to them.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Shepard lay on her back, her hands making a pillow beneath her head as she looked up at the stars. Quick flashes of light flew across the sky. It was hard for Shepard to think that out of everything in the galaxy, this is where she ended up. Being a farmer’s daughter made her think that she would never leave Mindoir even though a life of plowing and growing crops never suited her. _Mindoir …_ Shepard sighed as she thought of her home colony.

Shepard placed a hand over her breastplate, thinking of the birthday card and photo that hid beneath it. They were the only remnants of her life before the batarian slavers destroyed everything. Shepard closed her eyes as she remembered breaking down in front of Hackett when he handed her the only two items recovered from her life. He offered his condolences, revealing what she knew was the inevitable: both of her parents were dead and she was an orphan.

“You think it was batarian slavers, don’t you Commander?” Jones’ voice caused Shepard’s eyes to snap open.

Sitting up, Shepard looked at the others sitting by the fire. Jones and Rodriguez were looking at Ryan for answers. Ryan paused in calibrating his sniper rifle, looking up at them briefly. His eyes flickered to linger on Shepard for a few seconds before returning to his calibrations.

“Would it make a difference if it was?” Ryan commented. “We need to find answers regardless of the cause.”

“If it was batarians, the pioneers are as good as dead,” Jones replied. “They’re nasty sons of bitches.”

“Lieutenant, that’s enough,” Ryan had a warning in his voice.

“What? I don’t think there is a person in the unit who sympathizes with those animals. If they don’t enslave you, they slaughter you like cattle.”

Shepard didn’t hear the end of Jones’ comment as she quickly got up, kicking a canteen in her process. The owner of the canteen made a vocal disapproval, which Shepard ignored. She walked as fast as she could, trying to outrun her desire to punch Jones until he shut up.

Seven years of pent up rage began to boil over as she paced near the settlement’s buildings. Why, after all this time? Why did she have to be sent on a mission involving batarians?

Shepard stopped her pacing in front of one of the trees that marked the boundaries of the settlement. Shepard stared at the bark for several seconds before her fist suddenly punched into the tree. _Let it go_. Shepard remembered her therapist’s words. _You can’t leave it built up. You need to let your anger and guilt go_. Shepard let out a loud cry of anger as she began punching the tree harder and faster. As her fists connected with the tree, her vision began to blur before the tears ran down her face.

~0~0~0~0~0~

7 Years Earlier ...

“Storm’s heading in,” Troy stated as he finished stacking the firewood on the porch.

“The horses seem more spooked than normal,” Hannah commented as she wiped her hands on her apron, noticing the commotion coming from the stables.

“Something’s off,” Troy commented to himself, walking over to the steps of the porch, watching the storm clouds in the distance.

The engine of a motorcycle revved loudly before the bike came to a stop at the end of their driveway. Troy leaned against the railing of the porch, watching as the second passenger swung her leg off of the bike. Taking her helmet off, locks of dark red hair fell down her back. The driver lifted his visor before he turned off the engine, sitting back on the bike to keep it balanced. River laughed a little before looking over her shoulder to see her father looking at them. River turned back and bid the boy goodbye before turning and walking up the driveway to the house. The driver started up his bike and took off down the road.

“Be nice,” Hannah said from in the kitchen, knowing that Troy’s protective nature sometimes made him out to be an overbearing father.

“You’re late,” Troy said when River stepped up onto the porch.

“The game ran late,” River replied as she walked past her father, going into the house.

“We could have used your help,” Troy continued, following River into the house.

“Well, I’m here now,” River unzipped her leather jacket, hanging it on the coat rack.

“How is Aaron?” Hannah called from the kitchen in an attempt to stop the argument before it began.

“He’s fine,” River responded as she walked into the kitchen. Turning to face her father, hands on her hips, she asked, “What do you need me to do?”

“Can you go bring in the horses while your mother and I finish securing the house?” Troy asked back.

“Sure,” River responded before quickly stepping out of the kitchen, hitting the door roughly as she exited the house.

“That went well,” Hannah mused from over the sink.

“Don’t, Hannah,” Troy replied as he sat on one of the chairs at the table.

“Troy,” Hannah said his name with ease as she came up behind him, placing her hands on his shoulders. “I know it’s hard to believe it, but she’s not a little girl anymore. She’ll be a grown woman before we know it.” Hannah leaned down, running her hands across his collarbone before wrapping her arms completely around his neck. “It scares me too. But she’s a smart, stubborn person, just like you. She’s going to be fine, and we need to let her do her own thing,” Hannah kissed Troy’s cheek gently, before straightening her body, releasing him from her arms. “Now go out there and tell her she can invite Aaron over to meet us sometime.”

“You’re too much of a good conscience,” Troy replied as he got up from his chair.

“I know, it’s your curse,” Hannah replied as she continued washing the dishes.

Troy made his way out of the house, looking over at the stables. River led the two horses by the reins into the barn.

River murmured to herself as she secured the horses in their individual stalls. She grabbed the pitchfork and stabbed at the hay with aggression, throwing a little over the doors to the stalls. The Clydesdale neighed in protest, causing River to look over at her. River laughed a little when she saw that hay was covering the horse’s head.

“Oh, I’m sorry Stella,” River said apologetically as she reached into Stella’s stall and brushed the hay off her head.

“River,” Troy said when he entered the barn.

“I’m over here, dad,” River answered.

“Look,” Troy paused as he thought about what to say that would not result in a fight. “Your mother and I want you to be happy, it’s just that—”

“I understand, dad. I know you both worry,” River said as she set the pitchfork down.

“It’s not that. We’ve been talking about your future lately. We don’t want you to get stuck here. You do a great job of pretending, but your mother and I both know you don’t want to remain here,” Troy said as he touched River’s shoulder. “We both decided that, although we will miss you dearly,” Troy paused again, uncertain if he could deal with losing his only child for a great deal of time. “We want you to go ahead and apply for college on Earth.”

River turned and looked at her father for the first time during the conversation. “But, Earth is so far away from you and mom.”

“We’d come and visit you, silly,” Troy replied. River smiled, quickly hugging her father.

“Thank you, daddy.”

“I love you, sweetheart.” Troy replied, hugging River tightly.

The loud warning siren coming from the center of the colony broke the moment. River let go of her father, looking toward where the noise was coming from.

“What is that?” River asked, but before her father answered he grabbed River by her arm, pulling her out of the barn and toward the house. River ran to keep up with her father’s steps.

“Hannah!” Troy yelled as he entered the house. River’s mother came down the staircase, holding a pair of rifles.

“I heard it,” Hannah replied as she handed one of the rifles to Troy.

“What is happening?” River asked in confusion.

Hannah looked from River to Troy, unsure if she should tell their daughter the reason for the siren.

“Batarian slavers,” Troy finally admitted as he finished readying his weapon.

River hesitated before she replied, “I can help.” River looked at her mother then her father. “I am a better shot than mom. I can help.”

“River, no,” Hannah said, touching River’s shoulder. “You need to go up stairs and hide.”

“I’m not going to sit by and not do what I can to help,” River argued.

“River!” River looked at her father when he yelled her name. “Listen to your mother and go upstairs. The batarians would take you alive if they knew you were here.” Troy didn’t utter the reason why they would want River alive, but she understood.

Hannah suddenly hugged River tightly, whispering, “I love you, darling.” Hannah kissed the side of River’s head, her hand gently patting her daughter’s hair in a faint comforting moment. River clenched her eyes shut, holding onto her mother tightly. Hannah let her go, moving to lock and barricade the door.

Troy looked at River before hugging her. Troy kissed the top of River’s head, his arm around her shoulders. “I need you to stay hidden no matter what you hear, you understand me?” Troy stated as he let go of her.

“I understand …” River was hesitant to accept it. “I love you, both,” River looked at both her mother and father. “Please, be alright.”

“Go,” Troy commanded as he pointed at the stairs.

River hesitated before turning and running up the stairs to her room. River closed her door behind her, moving to the side of her bed to hide under it. River was half way under the bed when she got out to rummage through her nightstand drawers. She pulled the hunting knife her father gave her out of the hidden drawer and slid it into her combat boot. She quickly placed herself back under the bed, making sure her position allowed her a perfect view of the bottom of her door.

River could hear Hannah and Troy securing the rest of the house when suddenly the siren stopped making noise. She hoped that the siren malfunctioned and sent out a false alarm. Another part of River knew that it was more likely the batarians had destroyed the alarm. Closing her eyes, River prayed that the Alliance would quickly respond to the signal.

River’s eyes snapped open when she heard the gunshots come from downstairs. Covering her ears, she tried to block out the noise. But it was pointless because she could hear everything. This day would always haunt her, even as River died and Commander Shepard was born.

River heard her mother scream her father’s name and vice versa. River clamped her hands over her mouth, holding in her own whimpers and screams. _Quiet. I have to be quiet …_ A heavy silence rang throughout the house, only being interrupted by footsteps. She could hear batarians speaking loudly the floor beneath her. She could feel the hot tears running down her face, but she was too scared to wipe them away.

River wasn’t sure how long had passed. She was certain it was at least a few hours as the sun was now setting, the orange light shining in through her window. She lay on her back, staring at the bottom of her bed. Her face was red from crying, her head pounding from a headache, but she couldn’t bring herself to get out from under the bed. River knew that if she went downstairs she would most likely see the bodies of her parents. Or worse, they wouldn’t be there and the batarians would have them.

River heard something move downstairs, and her heart skipped a beat. _That might be mom or dad…_ River cautiously pulled her body out from under her bed. She slowly moved to the door, reaching for the handle. Taking a deep breath, River turned the doorknob, opening the door slowly. She made her way down the hall, wincing when she stepped on a creaky floorboard. Her entire body froze in an attempt to listen for a reaction. When she was certain there was no noise, River moved toward the staircase. She looked down the staircase and saw that the door lay off its hinges on the floor. Holding the railing with a shaking hand, she prepared to descend the steps.

River suddenly felt her hair being yanked from behind her. Yelling, she grabbed her hair to prevent it from being pulled out. She quickly stomped as hard as she could on the assailant’s foot, causing them to release her. The sudden action however caused her to fall forward. River protectively brought her arms in front of her as she tumbled down the stairs. Her body slammed against the stairs as she fell, the edges of the steps bruising her sides before she landed at the bottom. She yelled as a piece of glass from the door stabbed into her side.

River held her side tightly as she eased herself up off of the floor. The glass was lodged deeply in her side, causing her to panic. _Don’t pull it out_ , River mentally yelled at herself. Loud swearing from the top of the stairs caused her to look up to see a batarian holding his foot.

River quickly shoved herself up, ignoring the pain in her side as she reached into her boot for her hunting knife. It must have been adrenaline that coursed through her veins as she suddenly rushed up the stairs, tackling the batarian to the ground. Somehow, she ended up on top of the batarian. River’s fear and anger took over as she began to stab him repeatedly, both hands bracing the knife. She became aware of her voice screaming loudly when she felt her vocal chords begin to hoarsen. She wasn’t sure if she was even screaming coherent words, or just yelling to drown out the noises of the blade stabbing through flesh.

Hands suddenly grabbed her arms, preventing her from further carving up the lifeless body. River yelled and kicked as the person pulled her off of the body. There was a pinch in her leg before she suddenly felt weak, falling over when the hands gently helped her to lay on the ground.

“You’re alright,” the face of a young Alliance soldier came into her view. “You’re safe,” the soldier reassured her before she passed out.

River’s body jerked awake, as if no time had passed. She tried to look around her, noting she was in a foreign place. The lights were bright enough that she had to blink several times to adjust her eyes. _This looks like a ship’s med-bay_ , River thought as she recalled the museum exhibit her parents took her to years ago.

“You’re awake,” a male voice sounded from somewhere in the med-bay.

“Where … where am I?” River asked as she sat up, holding her head.

“You’re on an Alliance vessel. You’ve been through a lot,” River noticed that the voice belonged to the same soldier who stopped her from attacking the lifeless batarian.

River remembered what had happened earlier and quickly got off of the examination table. “My parents. I need to—” River’s legs gave way, causing her to fall to her knees.

“Careful,” the soldier said as he grabbed River by the shoulders, steadying her. “You’re weak from the sedative.”

The soldier helped River sit back onto the table as the doors to the med-bay made an activation sound. The doors opened up to allow another soldier in. He was an older man, dressed in a blue Alliance officer’s uniform.

“Admiral Hackett,” the soldier stood up straight and saluted the older man respectfully.

“Ryan,” Hackett replied with a salute back. “I see she is awake,” Hackett replied, nodding toward River.

“She just woke up, sir. I was about to come get you,” Ryan eased after Hackett’s replying salute.

“Please. Can someone tell me what happened?” River asked, unafraid to be considered rude.

“Ryan, you’re dismissed,” Hackett moved from in front of the door to allow Ryan access to the door. Ryan looked from Hackett to River before nodding respectfully and leaving the med-bay. “We found you during the batarian attack on Mindoir,” Hackett started from the beginning of the attack, only making River’s stomach clench tighter as she thought about the inevitable.

“My parents … Where are they?” River asked. She was only able to hope that they were alive, but prayed that they were not taken alive by the batarian slavers.

“These were the only things Ryan was able to recover from the skirmish,” Hackett produced a birthday card and photo, holding them out to River. “I am sorry, but we were not able to save your parents.”

Tears welled up in River’s eyes as she reached out for the two items. She hugged the two items to her chest, curling in on herself as she started to cry. She started to think about how she would never hear their voices again. Never being able to hug them. She would have ripped up the two items if it meant she could have her parents back. River cried harder when Hackett touched her shoulder in an act of comfort.

~0~0~0~0~0~

The tree had several fist marks in its bark. Shepard was sitting with her back against the tree, drawing her knees close to her chest as she hugged them. She may have been a marine, but she felt like a helpless child stuck in a reoccurring nightmare.

“Lieutenant,” Ryan’s voice made her look up at him.

“Why?” Shepard asked, getting up quickly. “Why make this my _first_ mission on the outskirts of space?”

“You were in the Skyllian Blitz, Lieutenant. I’ve seen you fight and you can’t argue that you aren’t a skilled fighter.”

“That was a battle. This,” Shepard gestured to the deserted settlement before dropping her hand to her side. “ _This_ is a graveyard.”

“It wasn’t a choice I could have made. We were given this mission and as Alliance soldiers, we can’t let our personal feelings alter our goals,” Ryan stated with such fine execution, Shepard scoffed in response.

“Bullshit,” Shepard stated bitterly. “You could have told me.”

“Told you that batarians were suspected? There is no proof of the pioneers being attacked by batarians,” Ryan stated. “Truth be told, I only suspected batarians when we were assigned the mission. Being here though has changed my mind,” Ryan looked at Shepard, watching her reaction as she kicked up some dirt from the ground. “I know it all feels like some lie therapists tell you in an attempt to make you feel better about everything you’ve been through, but I have been where you are, River.” Shepard looked up at the use of her first name. “I have felt the guilt and pain at not being able to save people. I feel it every time I look at you and know that I didn’t save your parents,” Ryan took a deep breath. “But as an Alliance soldier, I move on and try my best to make a difference. I try to make the world a safer place to be in. A better place. If this mission helps you to move on from feeling guilty about something that was never under your control, then I’m not sorry for putting you through this.”

Shepard watched Ryan for several moments before nodding her head. “Then thank you for this,” Shepard replied.

“That’s what a commander does. We listen when we have to, and we kick ass when needed,” Ryan joked, making Shepard smile faintly. Ryan reached out and friendly tapped Shepard’s arm. “Let’s get back to camp.”

Shepard walked beside Ryan until they reached camp before she parted from him to sit at her makeshift bed. Shepard reclined on her camping pack as she watched Ryan walk over to the fire, hitting Jones on the head before he sat down.

Shepard placed her hands behind her head as a pillow, looking at the night sky for one last time before she closed her eyes to sleep.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Shepard awoke to the ground rumbling and the panicked shouts of other marines scrambling to prepare for something. Shepard quickly got to her feet, un-holstering her pistol as she hurried over to Ryan and the rest of her squad.

“It can’t be an earthquake, the planet is supposed to be more stable than that,” Ryan barked loudly into his omni-tool at the comm operator on the ship. “Look, whatever it is, we need an EVAC now. I am not risking my men for a hopeless cause.”

Suddenly, the ground ceased to shake and a loud shriek came billowing out of the ground as a giant worm-like creature burst through the ground near the settlement. Shepard looked up at the monstrous creature in amazement, never seeing an alien creature this close before. Its mouth was open wide, with blue tentacles sprouting from its sides.

“Everyone get down! It’s a damn thresher maw!” Ryan called to the entire unit of marines. Shepard quickly ducked behind cover, looking at Ryan for a course of action.

“Come in, Hastings. I repeat, come in,” Ryan paused, unsure why there was no response from anyone. “Hastings, I need an immediate EVAC!” Ryan yelled into his omni-tool before realizing the one thing dreaded by soldiers: radio silence.

Ryan looked up and locked eyes with Shepard, making her stomach churn when she saw the resolve leave his eyes. The Hastings wasn’t going to evacuate them. As if demonstrating its approval, the thresher maw shrieked again. The shriek was loud enough to make Shepard and the other marines cringe.

 _There is no surviving this … It’s over._ Shepard almost felt an ease fall over her, removing the fear of having to continue through the hell her life had become. There was only ever death and destruction in her life, and she knew it wouldn’t change.

“Shepard! Set up some barriers with Jones!” Ryan’s yell caused Shepard to open her eyes. It took Shepard several moments before his command registered. Nodding, Shepard stood up from behind the cover and activated a barrier between the thresher maw and her unit. Shepard angled the barrier to give her unit enough cover that allowed them to shoot up at the Thresher Maw. With great speed the thresher maw ducked down into the ground, causing the ground the shake again before suddenly going silent.

“Hold fire!” Ryan called, making the marines cease fire. Shepard released her barrier, looking over to the others.

“Did we kill it?” Rodriguez asked as he lowered his weapon.

“I doubt it,” Shepard replied. “It’s probably regrouping.” She was never able to finish her sentence. The thresher maw burst through the ground beneath the others, debris flying upwards.

The force threw Shepard backwards, causing her to smash into one of the settlement’s small metal carrier containers. Shepard felt the breath fly out of her lungs when she fell to the ground. Her head was ringing from the collision. Pushing her body up some, Shepard was able to steadily get herself on her hands and knees, looking at the ground as her vision came back to her. She felt the blood drip from her lip as droplets of blood stained the ground. Shepard heard what was left of the others screaming curses, bursts of gunfire following. She looked up to see several bodies contorted into unimaginable positions, blood and dirt mixing to make a muddied puddle around them. She felt sick. She had seen dead bodies in the Skyllian Blitz, but not like this. They weren’t even bodies anymore, just broken pieces. Screams of pain echoed around her, reminding her of the screams she heard seven years ago on Mindoir.

Shepard began to push herself up in an attempt to rejoin the fight when a pain shot up through her leg. She screamed loudly, grasping the part of her leg that now ached. Looking up, Shepard could see the thresher maw turn its attention toward her. It curled before leaning its mouth forward as it spit acid towards her. Shepard quickly used her biotics to grab a slab of rock, projecting it into the air to block the acid’s path to her. Shepard used all her force to slam the rock into the thresher maw’s face, causing it to call out in pain before ducking under the ground. Shepard could see a handful of the marines waiting in a readied stance, prepared to continue the fight. The thresher maw burst through the ground again, however it didn’t wait above the surface for long before it slammed back down into the ground on top of the remaining marines.

The thresher maw surfaced again with the intent to finish off Shepard. Shepard’s eyes lingered on the bodies of her fallen comrades, feeling the same guilt and anger she had on Mindoir. It was all ending here. _Is this what I’m going to be remembered for? A simple farm girl who grew up to become a marine, only to die on this forsaken planet? This can’t be it. Not yet. I’m supposed to make a difference._ Shepard thought of the doll she had found in the settlement, thinking about how that little girl could have been her. _I’m supposed to help people… But I can’t even help myself._ Shepard closed her eyes as she waited for the thresher maw to end it.

A hard force hit her from the side and knocked her to the ground. Shepard looked and saw Ryan on the ground a few feet from her. Ryan turned to sit on his back, pulling his lame leg after his body as he backed up to brace his back against some rubble, blocking himself from the thresher maw. Shepard quickly scurried over to him, sitting beside him.

The ground rumbled again, signaling the thresher maw retreating. Both of them relaxed slightly, in hopes the thresher maw would just go away.

“You alright?” Ryan asked as he breathed deeply. Shepard nodded in response, watching him inspect his armor. The metal melted and smoked from the burn of the acid. Ryan suddenly ripped off the front chest plate, breathing deeply. “That’s better,” he said before leaning his head back.

Shepard looked down at Ryan’s body and could see the burn marks the thresher maw’s acid had done to him. Holes were burned through his shirt, exposing the now damaged skin of his chest.

“Can you walk?” Shepard asked, desperate to get them both out of here.

“I think I used the last of my walking capabilities tackling you out of the way,” Ryan replied. “Good thing too,” Ryan made a nodding gesture toward the spot where Shepard had been. Acid was covering the rock.

“Thank you,” Shepard lied, a part of her wishing he didn’t save her.

“You’re my responsibility,” Ryan replied. “You all were,” Shepard could hear the change in his voice.

“We need to get to the landing zone,” Shepard replied. “If we-”

“I’m not going anywhere, Lieutenant.” Ryan’s statement made Shepard look at him.

“What do you mean?” Shepard asked.

“That thing killed my men and women. I’m not leaving it alive,” Ryan replied with determination.

“That’s suicide!” Shepard yelled loudly, feeling a little like a hypocrite. “I can carry you.”

“ _You_ have a better chance of making it back to the landing zone on your own. I would slow you down.” Ryan leaned forward, taking in a sharp breath at the pain as he reached onto his back and produced his grenade launcher. “I’ll be able to distract it long enough for you to get to the landing zone.”

“No … I—You can’t expect me to accept that,” Shepard protested. “Look at them.” Shepard gestured to their slaughtered unit. “It won’t bring them back!” Shepard felt as if she was yelling at herself, trying to convince her that no amount of honor would bring her parents back.

Ryan reached out, grabbing Shepard by the collar of her armor to yank her in close. “You listen to me. A commander leads their men and women into missions, suicidal or not, and is responsible for each and every one. I couldn’t save mine, but I will avenge them. I am as good as dead,” Ryan breathed deeply again. “But I am going to take that fucking thresher maw out before it gets to you.”

“What,” Shepard hesitated before continuing, “What makes me so special?”

“You’re a survivor, Shepard.” Ryan released his grip on her. “You may think you’re broken, but you are stronger than you think. You were strong enough to survive Mindoir. You _are_ strong enough to survive this.”

Shepard felt her eyes fill with tears as she looked down at the ground, shaking her head. “I’m not. I’m not,” Shepard whispered slowly. “I don’t deserve to survive.”

“Then earn it,” Ryan said, touching the top of Shepard’s head. Shepard looked up at Ryan for several moments before nodding her head in acceptance. _I_ will _earn this sacrifice. I_ will _make a difference in the galaxy._

“Here,” Ryan yanked the cross and locket from around his neck, breaking the chain. He placed them in Shepard’s hand, saying, “Give this to Anna.”

“I will,” Shepard said, clutching her fingers around the necklace. Shepard stood and looked around only to see the carnage the thresher maw had created. She offered her empty hand down to Ryan, helping him onto his feet. Shepard looked at him, hoping that he would change his mind and let her carry him back to the landing zone.

Instead, Ryan placed his hand in a salute. Shepard straightened as much as she could, before appropriately saluting him.

“You better start running, Shepard.”

Shepard turned, jogging as best she could with her limp. Shepard felt the rumbling of the thresher maw once more as it detected her movements. She heard it shriek as it burst above the ground. _Run. Keep running!_ Shepard was sure she would fall if she took the slightest miscalculated step because of her speed. She heard the grenade launcher go off, the shells exploding as they hit their target. The thresher maw shrieked in protest.

Shepard wasn’t certain when she stopped hearing sounds from the battle, but she eventually reached the landing zone. She limped over to the comm box, collapsing onto her knees when she came within a few inches of it. Shaking fingers weakly entered the numbers of her ship’s comm line, only to produce radio static. Moving the transmission back and forth she suddenly heard a voice stating, “Commander Ryan, please respond. This is SSV Hastings. Commander Ryan, please respond.”

“Hastings this is Lieutenant River Shepard of Commander Ryan’s squad, requesting immediate EVAC,” Shepard kept her voice from breaking down long enough to utter the request.

“Lt. Shepard, EVAC is on its way. I repeat, EVAC is on its way,” the voice replied.

Shepard sighed with relief, her body slumping as fear left her. She wasn’t sure why she started to sob, whether it was guilt over leaving Ryan, or the sorrow of losing her unit. Shepard looked up at the sky as she let a cry rip through her chest. Her hand tightened around Ryan’s cross and locket as she thought about him. She had lost everything she gained back in the last seven years. She continued to cry heavily until she couldn’t any more.

Shepard was motionlessly sitting next to the comm box when the shuttles landed. Alliance soldiers and the executive officer came out of the shuttles, most looking confused at Shepard being the only one present.

“Commander Anderson, I can see only one,” one of the soldiers announced.

“Lt. Shepard,” Anderson greeted her on his approach. “Where is everyone else?”

Shepard didn’t look up at him, merely sitting still. “Commander Ryan called in an EVAC.” Shepard started to speak. She wasn’t sure how she was going to relay the failed mission, but her voice was speaking without her. “There was radio silence. Nothing. We called in an EVAC and you didn’t come.” Shepard looked up at Anderson finally.

“Someone hacked the comms and disconnected them. You’ve been silent for hours,” Anderson stated as he knelt next to her. “Shepard, what happened?”

Shepard looked down and shook her head. “They’re dead. They’re all dead.” Shepard tightened her grip around Ryan’s locket and cross, memories of him flooding her mind before she recalled his final salute. “It was a thresher maw.”

The other marines lowered their weapons, staring on in amazement that Shepard was the one survivor out of her entire unit. Anderson took Shepard by the arm, helping her up. “Come on, Lieutenant. Let’s get you taken care of.” Anderson placed Shepard’s arm over his shoulders and walked with her back to the shuttle as the soldiers parted to let them through.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to join me on tumblr:
> 
> [drunklightning](http://drunklightning.tumblr.com) is my blog where I reblog anything I find of interest.
> 
> [dexterous-sinistrous](http://dexterous-sinistrous.tumblr.com) is suited towards my ramblings about my writing, and NSFW. (It's where I serenade myself about Sterek). It's my trashcan of emotions. Feel free to stop by and say hi, criticize me, make incoherent noises with me, whatevs.
> 
> [Send](http://dexterous-sinistrous.tumblr.com/ask) me any prompts you think you'd like to have me write!


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